Solitary Retreat

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A grey pigeon came and sat at the edge of the bowl filled with raw rice. Its red round eyes were watchful. It looked around with its bluish grey neck shimmering in the morning sun, wary of any lurking danger. When it was satisfied that this was no trap, it started pecking at the grains. Another pigeon saw it and joined. And then many followed suit. Soon there was a flock of pigeons feasting on a hearty meal in the balcony. They were occasionally fluttering their wings and chirping. Who doesn’t love wholesome and easily available food?

Sameer moved the curtain of his window slightly and peeped. The sight of a family of pigeons visiting his home delighted him. It was a different thing that he had to bribe them with food. Humans could also be bribed in the same way but in the current chaotic situation, nobody would come. Even if some obliged, irony was that Sameer won’t be comfortable entertaining them. Although he was lonely, the corona fear was real.

“Eat all you can…”, Sameer murmured.

The bowl was empty in no time. When they had their fill, they flew away one by one as they had come. He watched them till each one of them was gone.

“Tomorrow I will put more rice”, he made a mental note.

Sameer, an engineer in his thirties, was working in the states for a short period of time. Since the stint abroad was a temporary one, he had preferred to leave his family, his wife Simran and two children, Tito and Jojo, the younger one just a year old, at his home town with her parents. He planned to bring them back to his apartment in the city when he returned to India. But during that time, the coronavirus pandemic hit the world and his plans went awry.

Sameer faced a lot of struggles and restrictions since the flights were shutting down, but was luckily able to come back to India on time. But when he was still in his 14 days quarantine period in his apartment in the city, the lockdown of the entire country was announced and he got stuck in there and was unable to travel to his hometown to bring back his family. He wasn’t sure if during his travel he got infected or not. So, he decided not to panic and make any rash decisions but to stay put where he was rather than risking the life of his and his family in haste. 

That was six months back.

Phase 1

********

The first month of Sameer’s solitary life was nothing short of a bliss. He got the much-needed break from his hectic schedule. If one kept aside the constant fear of the pandemic which was spreading like wildfire in the world, the lockdown was a welcome change for him. 

After a long time, he was able to stay for a considerable period of time in his own apartment which he had once bought with his hard-earned money. As such he was reduced to a visitor to his own home owing to his travel job. His wife and kids stayed there and he only visited them for short bursts of time which were jam packed with tasks to complete. 

But now, finally he got an opportunity to admire his cosy abode. He appreciated the shiny white tiles he had chosen for the flooring, the woodwork which he and Simran had planned meticulously, the drawing room they had decorated with chosen artefacts and many more such things. He enjoyed the cool breeze from his balcony and relished the silence around him. He felt like a proud owner of a peaceful haven. 

Cooking was a challenge in the initial days. But as time progressed, he took it in good spirits as a new hobby and even started enjoying it. Everyday a new recipe gave him the kick! The internet was buzzing with recipes of easy homemade cakes and newly invented coffees. Sameer tried them all and much more. 

He also made a kitchen garden of sorts in his balcony. He purchased beautiful pots and planted herbs like mint, coriander and curry leaves. He felt so excited to cook with the products from his own kitchen garden that he planted tomatoes, chillies and ladies’ fingers also. Later he added flowers like roses and bougainvillea too! He had never done such things before in his life and he simply loved to see his balcony turn green.

Sameer enjoyed the work from home mode. He liked the fact that he need not spend long and tiring hours in travelling. Maintaining a wardrobe and the tedious work of washing and ironing regularly was also not mandatory. Even self-grooming was not important unless there was a video call and that was rare. He let his beard and hair grow to unusual lengths as long as they desired. In spite of a constant threat of the virus, he liked this solitary retreat. 

But this phase didn’t last long.

Phase 2

**********

After watching the pigeons, Sameer sighed and came back to his desk. He opened his laptop and stared blankly at the screen for a while. He wondered what to do next. He was done with his office work, had finished watching a whole season of a new web series, had learnt how to make two new recipes and lastly his new activity, ‘feeding the pigeons’ was also over. 

Moreover, his back ached with constant sitting on the chair and he was literally tired of sleeping. He had even tried doing some yoga, which was highly recommended for people who were now working from home. ‘Anulom vilom’ was the only thing that he had managed to do in the name of ‘yoga’ and now even that posed as a big task for him. He was never much into exercising. So, what next?

His solitary retreat kept on extending and he didn’t even realise when it turned into a confinement. He still wasn’t able to travel to his hometown to bring back his family. The main reason being the availability of the internet. His hometown was in a remote area where connectivity was not all that great. His work did not require his physical presence much at present but he had to report to office a few times for some urgent issues. But online presence was strictly mandatory all the time. He couldn’t risk it.

In time, he started missing his kids. He had barely spent any time with his younger one Jojo. Sameer was missing all his milestones and the kid barely recognized his father in a video call. He missed the fun banter with his wife. 

Technology had advanced in leaps and bounds but phone calls could never replace the physical presence of a person. It was not the same. The calls started with the customary greetings and in no time turned into arguments and fights. His wife Simran was unable to handle everything on her own. It was not easy to manage two kids. Her parents were old and their safety was also important. They couldn’t go out much in the fear of catching the virus so taking care of the kids fell into the shoulders of Simran alone. 

One time she was furious since she missed a vaccine for the little one Jojo. Sameer tried to be calm with her but lost his patience due to her constant bickering. Later he felt bad for his behaviour. Frustration was creeping everywhere due to the current situation. Life was not the same for anyone anymore.

The irony was that he longed to spend time with his family but the idea of calling home repelled him. After a few moments of fun talks, the topic always wandered in the same direction.

“When will you take us?”

“Do you know how tough it is to manage the kids all alone?”

“How many people are affected in our apartment?”

“When are the transport services resuming?”

“When will the vaccine come?”

“When will you come?”

“Blah blah blah…”

Whatever he managed to answer was never satisfactory to anyone. So, he avoided calling them altogether.

One day it was enough. Sameer couldn’t take it anymore. The silence which he was cherishing not so long ago was killing him now. He had once read of a severe punishment given to criminals known as Solitary Confinement. As a punishment, the person was confined to a room all alone with absolutely no contact with the outside world. It was observed that after around 15 days, it started affecting the person’s brain in a drastic manner. He began losing himself. Human beings after all are social animals. They can’t stay all alone after a certain time. Sameer felt a similar thing happening to him. He wanted to act fast before he began losing his mind too! 

So, he made a decision.

He packed some clothes and a few essentials in his backpack. He opened his laptop and booked a train ticket for himself and a return ticket for him and his family since a limited number of trains and buses had resumed in this partial lockdown phase. He was going to his village, come what may. He was not going to stay there but bring back his wife and children immediately. Next step was to pack some snacks for the journey. Outside food was definitely not an option. So, he wore his mask and went out to buy some biscuits and snacks.

The shop was a small one. A bulky man sat under the tiny and noisy fan wearing a kurta pyjama and a black mask on his face. The AC was off. He was busy preparing the bill for his present customer while his helper, a thin young guy was helping to pack the items bought. The shop was small but it was big on rules. Outside the glass door was printed in bold letters,

“Don’t enter without a mask on your face and maintain distance while standing in a line for your turn”

The chalked line with marked positions for standing snaked a long distance, almost till the main road. Thankfully for Sameer there was no one else in the line. Maybe since it was peak hot afternoon time. Sameer entered the shop after the present customer left. After a customary nod of head and an invisible smile behind the mask to the shopkeeper as a greeting, Sameer began selecting some biscuit and namkeen packets and the helper guy began packing them for him from the aisle. Sameer avoided touching anything but couldn’t stop himself from talking to the shopkeeper whom he knew from his frequent visits. 

These days such was the state of his mind that the only requirement for Sameer to talk to anyone was that the person should be a ‘human being’. That’s it. He could pour out his heart to anybody who was willing to listen. He knew the person well or not was not mandatory.

“How are you doing?”, he asked.

“Fine”, came the short reply.

“Your family okay?”

“Hmm”, an even shorter reply.

“I’m lucky that not many people here today. Too boring to stand in long queues”

Sameer let out a little laugh but it seemed that the shopkeeper was not interested in small talks today. He didn’t respond and kept billing the items.

“So, this conversation was going to be in monosyllables or no syllables.”

Sameer thought sadly and opened his mobile to pay him. Contact less payment was a boon these days.

“It’s because of the incident in the morning”, the shopkeeper spoke abruptly.

” Err sorry?” Sameer didn’t understand the context.

The shopkeeper stared at him for a little while as if trying to find better words.

“The reason for less rush today”, he clarified.

“That friend of yours with whom you came to buy milk some time back”

Sameer still looked confused. So, the shopkeeper added,

“With helmets in your hands”

“Oh yeah yeah…I remember… That’s Vinod…He…”

Sameer was cut short by him.

” He died this morning of Corona” 

Sameer was struck dumb. The blood drained from his face. His mobile fell from his hand with a thud. The whole world started to spin around him. His eyes remained glued to the shopkeeper who looked blurry to him. His heart started banging so loud in his chest, he felt it would explode. His feet remained rooted to the spot and he was unable to react for a while.

Sameer somehow returned home and tossed the bag in the balcony so that it could serve its ‘quarantine’ until he washes all the packets before using. Then he turned the fan to a maximum and lay on the bed watching it spinning at its highest speed.

He felt his lungs were blocked and he had trouble breathing. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths and remembered him.

Sameer met Vinod in the parking lot for the first time. Sameer’s bike had punctured. He looked flustered since he had an important meeting to attend. Vinod watched him and had come to his rescue. He had offered him a lift in his own bike to the nearest mechanic but had ended up dropping him all the way to his office. While chatting with each other on the way, he found out that both their offices were nearby. He had even dropped him back home in the evening and they had strolled together to the small shop to buy milk before heading home.

That was it. That was how Sameer knew Vinod. They had exchanged numbers but never called each other. Sameer was travelling most of the time due to his job. Later they had met a few times in the same parking lot and greeted each other from far. That was the extent of their friendship. 

Still this information hit Sameer hard. He couldn’t eat well or sleep. He tried working but was unable to concentrate. He couldn’t talk about it to anyone. When he later checked his mobile, people were paying condolences to Vinod’s family in the apartment WhatsApp group. He too did his part. Innumerable thoughts crowded his mind.

“He looked like a healthy man…”

“Well I don’t know about his personal details though…”

“I wonder how he contracted the virus…”

“Maybe he went out that’s why…”

“Maybe he didn’t…this virus walks home at times…”

“Why would this happen to him?”

“He was a good guy…”

“He was around my age…”

These thoughts moved like a whirlwind in his mind for the next 24 hours and more. As a consequence, only one thing happened, or we can say didn’t happen.

He cancelled his plan of going home. He was too scared.

Phase 3

**********

The phone kept ringing, once, twice and thrice. Sameer couldn’t wake up from his slumber. He did what he was doing from the last five days. He fumbled for his phone on the bed and typed,

“Busy with work…call you later”

The only thing he did from the time he cancelled his plan of visiting home was to sleep and avoid talking to his family. He was also lagging behind in his office work.

All day he lay in bed and did nothing. The only food he ate was instant noodles and oats alternatingly. The plates kept piling up in the sink. He neither cleaned the house nor did laundry. He didn’t take a bath and was wearing the same clothes from the past few days which had now started stinking. But he didn’t mind. He was dwelling in one peculiar state of mind. 

The constant ringing of the phone had woken him up. His head was pounding madly. A shot of caffeine was what he needed. So, he got up reluctantly and went to the fridge. The awful stench in the fridge gave him a jolt. The milk which he had kept ‘once upon a time’ had curdled.

“Could life get any worse? Don’t I deserve even a cup of tea?”, he cursed under his breath. The point to be noted was that it was unclear whom he was cursing. 

The milk or himself?

He drank some water and walked to his balcony with lazy steps. It had rained last night. The cool misty air filled his nostrils. The floor felt damp under his feet. The bowl kept for the pigeons was filled to the brim with water with few grains of stale rice swimming in it. The plants had all dried up. Even the rain couldn’t repair the neglect. Only the bougainvillea tried to look bold with a few pink flowers still clinging to it. He cringed at the pity state of his ‘stale’ hobbies but tried his best to ignore and looked outside.

Sameer’s next-door neighbour Shyam Gupta waved at him. Sameer wanted to ignore him too but it was too late. Guptaji, as he was called, was a jovial and chatty person. He was good natured but the problem with him was that he was curious as a cat and annoying by nature.

“Good morning ji!”, he literally screamed from his balcony.

Technically Sameer should have liked him since once Guptaji started talking there was no stopping him and that’s what Sameer craved for lately. But his grilling questions about his personal life was what Sameer detested.

Sameer nodded his head with a fake smile.

“How is Bhabiji? Haven’t seen her lately…”

“How are your children?”

“All good right?”

“Haven’t seen you in a while…all ok?”

He bombarded him with endless questions, the ones he wanted to avoid. The only good thing was that Guptaji didn’t seem to wait for a reply.

Sameer nodded as before but his eyes were set on the frequent sips of Guptaji’s steaming cup of tea.

Guptaji too noticed.

“Sameer ji, had tea? Nothing like a warm cup of tea on this cold misty morning. Your bhabi makes wonderful tea. You are most welcome if you want a cup.”

Sameer’s caffeine addiction was hitting him hard. But he was compelled to say no.

“Thank you Guptaji…I will make black tea anyway.”

“Oh, why black?”

“Ran out of milk. I will go out to buy after some time.”

“Why go out? Take it from our milkman Bhola. You are in luck. He is just at the door as we speak.”

Guptaji didn’t wait for Sameer’s reply as usual.

“Arey sunti ho! Ask Bhola to give some milk at Sameerji’s house too!”, he told his wife at the peak of his voice and then smiled at Sameer.

“Why go out Sameer ji when things can be delivered at home? It’s not safe. We need to limit our visits to shops. This virus scare is always dancing on our heads. Moreover, it’s good for both Bhola and you. You get milk safely and he gets money!”

Gupta ji kept on speaking for the next five minutes without stopping and Sameer kept nodding his head from time to time. Gupta ji had to unwantedly stop when Bhola rang the bell of Sameer’s house.

Sameer said thanks to him, grabbed a container from the kitchen and went to open the door. The stranger Bhola was a saviour. 

Bhola must have been close to eighty. He wore an off-white pyjama kurta and stooped a little. He had a mask on his face but the fact that he was smiling was visible from the deep wrinkles around his eyes. He had a medium sized aluminium can in his hand and the typical red and white striped towel hanging on his shoulders.

“Aren’t you scared?”, Sameer blurted out.

Bhola was taken aback. He ceased smiling and looked at Sameer in confusion.

“I mean look at your age… You should be taking care of yourself at home… Are you sure you will survive if you catch the virus roaming like this by any chance?”, Sameer looked concerned and angry.

Bhola paused for a second to grasp the situation. Then he spoke.

“I’m an illiterate man sahib. I don’t know much about the virus. What I know for sure is that if I stay at home then I will definitely not survive.”

Sameer continued his argument.

“What’s this excuse? You must have children. Can’t they take care of you? Why do you have to roam around selling milk at each doorstep?”

“I do have two sons and a couple of grandchildren too. They have never let me work earlier. But due to this corona related crisis, one lost his job and another suffered serious loss in his small-time business. They are both jobless now. They are searching for jobs and trying to do whatever odd jobs they get their hands on. But till now no success in getting a decent job.”

“So, I have stepped up to help my family. That is what parents do. They help their children when in need. My sons are very able but my being old doesn’t mean that my responsibilities are over. If nothing then whatever minimal I earn will at least boost their spirits. It will make them believe that all is not over. If this old man can earn then they can too. It’s just a phase and it will pass”

The frail looking Bhola’s voice boomed in the stairway. His confidence and clarifications made Sameer stare at him like a dumb.

“And sahib… If you talk of safety then see I’m wearing a good mask and standing at a safe distance from you. Next I will ask you to put your empty container down so that I can pour the milk without being in close contact with you.”

” I have Paytm, Gpay and more contact less payment options on my phone through which you can pay me. My grandson installed it.”, Bhola smiled.

“Now keep it”

“Sorry… what?”, Sameer was in deep thoughts.

“That container in your hand. Keep it down”, Bhola clarified.

“Oh ok”, Sameer obeyed. 

Bhola poured the milk and said,

“Getting scared is not an option sahib. But taking precaution is. In my opinion, that is the key to fighting this pandemic.”

“Having said that, everything is in God’s hands. He has decided to bring this pandemic upon us and one day he will decide and it will go ‘poof’!”, Bhola laughed.

” But I can’t ignore the responsibility of a father. I can’t turn my back on my children”

” Thank you, sahib, for thinking about my safety. You seem like a good man. If you want milk again do let me know”

Bhola flashed his smile behind the mask and went away after Sameer paid him online.

Phase 4

**********

Sameer closed the door with the container brimming with milk in his hands. He quickly made some tea, poured it in his cup and sat on the bed. He took a sip and the warm liquid quenched his caffeine thirst. His phone beeped.

Reluctantly he picked it up to check if it was something from his boss. That was not to be missed come what may. The message read,

“Papa this is Toto. I know u r busy but mummy, Jojo and Toto are missing you. Call soon. Ta ta!”

Sameer read the message and shut his eyes. He felt guilty, so guilty. 

After hearing about Vinod, some wires had twisted inside his head. He got scared and careless, a mixture of two contradictory emotions. It came upon him that his family had done nothing to deserve the indifference from him. Ignoring them and making his own life a mess was not an option. It would fix nothing.

He looked around. He had made his beloved house into a living hell. If not Corona, he would surely attract some other virus or bacteria into his home. 

Bhola’s words echoed in his ears.

” But I can’t ignore the responsibility of a father. I can’t turn my back on my children”

He took a long breath and sipped his tea slowly as if driving all the energy from it. Then he put some noodles to cook and ate it as fast as he could. After finishing his breakfast, he felt energetic. He picked up the broom lying in the corner of his kitchen and started cleaning the house. It took him around 4 hours to clean every inch of his house. He broomed, mopped, washed the vessels and arranged all the things till each corner shone like a new found love. 

Next step was to tidy himself but before that he had one important thing to do. He wore his mask, took a piece of cloth and went out of the house straight to the basement. There lay his most neglected possessions. He opened the cover and a thick layer of dust flew in the air. A simple yet comfortable car of his own. His wife Simran used it time and again but Sameer was not much into driving. He didn’t like driving. He bought it due to Simran’s insistence hoping he might be interested in driving it someday. But mostly it lay in the basement gathering layers of dust.

He dusted it and went for a drive around the apartment to analyse its condition. It was definitely not smooth. He called the car servicing centre and booked a slot for servicing.

So, this was his next plan in the series of plans that he was making lately. All mostly flopped but he was determined to make this plan a success. 

He realized he had been selfish all the while. These times were tough. People were suffering from either physical or mental anguish. The only hope of survival is by being with your loved ones, family and friends. Abandoning them was not wise. Precaution is the key when a pandemic like situation strikes but withdrawing oneself from everything and everybody around and shying away from all the responsibilities is not a solution.

A long drive home was his next big plan. It would take him close to 15 hours by car. It was no easy feat since he detested driving. It was sure to drain him physically and mentally. But that was the safest option. He was ready to take this challenge and emerge a winner. He would drive there and bring back his family the very same day. That way his work won’t suffer and there won’t be any need to serve the quarantine period there.

He came back to his apartment, pulled out his packed backpack which he had thrown across the room that day. He packed the snacks he had bought, a few bottles of water. He caressed the packet of chocolates he had bought for his kids and wife. Then he made a call.

“Hello papa! Toto here!”

“Hello Toto! How are you/”

“Papa you took so much time to call back. But I’m happy now that you finally called!”

“Papa was busy Toto. He missed you all so much”

“We missed you too Papa!”

It seemed like Simran snatched the phone from Toto.

“What had happened? Where were you? We called so many times from the past few days. What important work had come up that you couldn’t talk to us? How is your health? How is…”

Sameer interrupted her.

“Simran pack your bags”

There was silence on the other end. Only the cooing of his little baby Jojo who was playing in his mother’s arms was heard.

“I’m coming to take you all back home”

Simran was unable to speak. Just a tear of happiness rolled down her cheeks.

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